Discovering my sexuality: A long and confusing process

Kate Clare | Blogger | Full-Time Lesbian 

I probably get asked this question the most when I come out to people. “How did you know you were gay?” “Have you always liked girls?!” Well to start, it was a long, tough, and confusing process. So don’t fret if that’s how you feel right now. I’ve been there, and I hope that listening to my story will help you figure out your own.

I didn’t want to start out saying “I always knew I was different.” Because that’s what everyone says. But if I’m being honest, it’s completely true. I can remember being in kindergarten and being absolutely fascinated by this first grader at my school. I thought she was the most intriguing girl ever. I didn’t know her that well, in fact I really didn’t know her at all but I can remember constantly wondering why I couldn’t stop looking at her every time she was near me in the hall. I thought about being near her all the time, always wanted to talk to her, and I really just wanted to be in her presence. Looking back it was obvious that was the start of my attraction to girls, but when you’re five you can't exactly comprehend feelings for another person.  

Fast forward a few years to later elementary and middle school. I can recall always wanting to find a boy to like. I felt like it was almost my duty to care about guys because that’s all my friends talked about. How cute boys were, and how badly they wanted a boyfriend. I was never interested, I just always felt like I had to be. Now of course I had my stereotypical middle school boyfriend but as awful as this sounds I really looked at it more as a status symbol than a relationship I wanted to be in. It wasn’t until eighth grade when it all finally started to make sense.

The exact scene that awakened my gayness
glogster.com

I knew that being gay was a thing. I just didn’t know that being gay could be a thing for girls like me. I always thought gay girls had super short hair, wore birkenstocks, and were incredibly masculine. I definitely didn’t fit that stereotype so therefore, there was no way I was gay right? Well I’ll never forget the day I stumbled across the tv show South of Nowhere. I was 14 and I immediately fixated my eyes on the screen when I saw two gorgeous long haired feminine girls embracing, clearly a couple. That was it. That’s what I wanted. All those girls over the years that I wanted to be close to, it wasn’t because I wanted to be friends with them, it was because I wanted to BE WITH them!

I was beyond terrified. I couldn’t be a lesbian. I just couldn’t. I’ll never forget how minutes after watching the rest of that episode just taking a bike ride down to the pond by my house with tears welling up in my eyes. I was terrified. That couldn’t be me right? Maybe if I just forget about this whole thing it will go away, right? Wrong.

I proceeded to completely repress my feelings for girls up until I was about 17. Even so much so that I suffered through several awkward boyfriend interactions that I wish I could’ve avoided all together. I definitely had the “this is a problem for another day” mentality at that time. However on New Year's Eve prior to my 17th birthday, I made a promise to myself that I would just deal with the feelings I was having. I couldn’t take the confusion any longer and honestly I was starting to get very intrigued by the possibility of being with another girl.

So I watched and read and listened to all kinds of coming out stories from other lesbians and I couldn’t believe how much I related to them. The stereotype of what I thought a lesbian was supposed to be wasn’t true at all. Now yes, some girls do fit that stereotype and that’s ok, but a lot of them don’t, particularly myself and other women I tend to be attracted to. It took a very long time for me to be ok with the fact that I can be who I am, look the way I look, and do everything I’ve always done, while still being gay. I didn’t need to fit a mold of what a “lesbian” is supposed to be. I just had to be myself.

I had my first kiss with a girl when I was 17 and even though it was nothing serious, it definitely made me realize how badly I wanted to be with another female. I craved it. That experience showed me why I had no interest in men and why I couldn’t force it, because I was without a doubt, incredibly gay. Women made me feel so comfortable and being with them was (and obviously still is) the best feeling in the world to me.

When I had my long term girlfriend in college that’s when I started to become more and more confident in myself because I really knew who I was now and I knew exactly what I wanted. She made me so incredibly happy and we had an amazing relationship that I wouldn’t trade for the world. But that’s a story for another day.

This whole process of becoming 100% confident with my sexuality took about four years. It’s not an overnight process but I can promise you that if you’re questioning yourself right now that it’ll get easier. Always remember that you can be whoever you want to be, and look however you want to look and still be gay (or however you identify). You don’t have to fit into a mold of how society tells you to be, just be yourself!