Discovering my sexuality: A long and confusing process

Kate Clare | Blogger | Full-Time Lesbian 

I probably get asked this question the most when I come out to people. “How did you know you were gay?” “Have you always liked girls?!” Well to start, it was a long, tough, and confusing process. So don’t fret if that’s how you feel right now. I’ve been there, and I hope that listening to my story will help you figure out your own.

I didn’t want to start out saying “I always knew I was different.” Because that’s what everyone says. But if I’m being honest, it’s completely true. I can remember being in kindergarten and being absolutely fascinated by this first grader at my school. I thought she was the most intriguing girl ever. I didn’t know her that well, in fact I really didn’t know her at all but I can remember constantly wondering why I couldn’t stop looking at her every time she was near me in the hall. I thought about being near her all the time, always wanted to talk to her, and I really just wanted to be in her presence. Looking back it was obvious that was the start of my attraction to girls, but when you’re five you can't exactly comprehend feelings for another person.  

Fast forward a few years to later elementary and middle school. I can recall always wanting to find a boy to like. I felt like it was almost my duty to care about guys because that’s all my friends talked about. How cute boys were, and how badly they wanted a boyfriend. I was never interested, I just always felt like I had to be. Now of course I had my stereotypical middle school boyfriend but as awful as this sounds I really looked at it more as a status symbol than a relationship I wanted to be in. It wasn’t until eighth grade when it all finally started to make sense.

The exact scene that awakened my gayness
glogster.com

I knew that being gay was a thing. I just didn’t know that being gay could be a thing for girls like me. I always thought gay girls had super short hair, wore birkenstocks, and were incredibly masculine. I definitely didn’t fit that stereotype so therefore, there was no way I was gay right? Well I’ll never forget the day I stumbled across the tv show South of Nowhere. I was 14 and I immediately fixated my eyes on the screen when I saw two gorgeous long haired feminine girls embracing, clearly a couple. That was it. That’s what I wanted. All those girls over the years that I wanted to be close to, it wasn’t because I wanted to be friends with them, it was because I wanted to BE WITH them!

I was beyond terrified. I couldn’t be a lesbian. I just couldn’t. I’ll never forget how minutes after watching the rest of that episode just taking a bike ride down to the pond by my house with tears welling up in my eyes. I was terrified. That couldn’t be me right? Maybe if I just forget about this whole thing it will go away, right? Wrong.

I proceeded to completely repress my feelings for girls up until I was about 17. Even so much so that I suffered through several awkward boyfriend interactions that I wish I could’ve avoided all together. I definitely had the “this is a problem for another day” mentality at that time. However on New Year's Eve prior to my 17th birthday, I made a promise to myself that I would just deal with the feelings I was having. I couldn’t take the confusion any longer and honestly I was starting to get very intrigued by the possibility of being with another girl.

So I watched and read and listened to all kinds of coming out stories from other lesbians and I couldn’t believe how much I related to them. The stereotype of what I thought a lesbian was supposed to be wasn’t true at all. Now yes, some girls do fit that stereotype and that’s ok, but a lot of them don’t, particularly myself and other women I tend to be attracted to. It took a very long time for me to be ok with the fact that I can be who I am, look the way I look, and do everything I’ve always done, while still being gay. I didn’t need to fit a mold of what a “lesbian” is supposed to be. I just had to be myself.

I had my first kiss with a girl when I was 17 and even though it was nothing serious, it definitely made me realize how badly I wanted to be with another female. I craved it. That experience showed me why I had no interest in men and why I couldn’t force it, because I was without a doubt, incredibly gay. Women made me feel so comfortable and being with them was (and obviously still is) the best feeling in the world to me.

When I had my long term girlfriend in college that’s when I started to become more and more confident in myself because I really knew who I was now and I knew exactly what I wanted. She made me so incredibly happy and we had an amazing relationship that I wouldn’t trade for the world. But that’s a story for another day.

This whole process of becoming 100% confident with my sexuality took about four years. It’s not an overnight process but I can promise you that if you’re questioning yourself right now that it’ll get easier. Always remember that you can be whoever you want to be, and look however you want to look and still be gay (or however you identify). You don’t have to fit into a mold of how society tells you to be, just be yourself!  

Coming out: an educational tool

Kate Clare | Blogger | Full-Time Lesbian 

“Kate, I always knew.” Those were the first words my brother said to me after I officially came out to him. I couldn’t believe it. Especially after knowing his opinion on the LGBT community in general, I was definitely shocked. To say that I was completely ecstatic would’ve been an understatement. But before I get ahead of myself, let’s rewind a few years.

Even back then I was a weirdo

My brother has always been the most important person in my life. Even though I’m five years older, we’ve always been super close. His love and support probably means more to me then my own parents. Unfortunately, ever since he started high school he’s been openly vocal about his distaste for the LGBT community. He used to always talk about how it was wrong to be gay, against the Bible, gross to watch, yada yada. Granted, I always hoped he would grow out of that especially when he went off to college, but I’ll admit that it did scare me away from telling him for a number of years. It wasn’t until my parents were ok with it that I found the confidence to approach the topic with him.

Christmas Eve might not have been the best time to have this conversation but several glasses of wine later I was revved up and ready to go. We were downstairs in my basement sitting at the bar when I decided to just go for it. I said I needed to talk to him about something and he immediately without hesitation, knew what I was going to say. I told him that I was 100%, without a doubt super gay, and that more importantly, I was happy. His reaction shocked me. He didn’t even bat an eye. My brother who has always been so openly unsupportive of the LGBT community looked me dead in the eye and told me he was ok with it. He also revealed how he wasn’t surprised at all and always had a feeling that I liked women which I found to be somewhat of a relief. When I asked him why he didn’t have a problem with it like I thought he would, he said “Because it’s you Kate, I’ll always love you no matter what and I’ll always support you.” Again I couldn’t believe his response.

I think my biggest take away here is that people will surprise you. My brother who I always believed would hate my lifestyle was totally ok with it all because he loved me. So if you’re scared about how someone close to you will react, don’t count them out because they could very well shock you with their response. It wasn’t until my brother had someone close to him come out that his thoughts and beliefs began to change.

It’s important to note here too that we need to take it upon ourselves to educate people about our community and break those preconceived stereotypes. It’s critical to show the people in our lives that just because we might not be in love with someone that society tells us to love that we’re all of a sudden a different person then who they know. Just like I told my brother, I’m still the same tennis playing, movie loving goof he grew up with, I just happen to really love women.