Coming out: an educational tool

Kate Clare | Blogger | Full-Time Lesbian 

“Kate, I always knew.” Those were the first words my brother said to me after I officially came out to him. I couldn’t believe it. Especially after knowing his opinion on the LGBT community in general, I was definitely shocked. To say that I was completely ecstatic would’ve been an understatement. But before I get ahead of myself, let’s rewind a few years.

Even back then I was a weirdo

My brother has always been the most important person in my life. Even though I’m five years older, we’ve always been super close. His love and support probably means more to me then my own parents. Unfortunately, ever since he started high school he’s been openly vocal about his distaste for the LGBT community. He used to always talk about how it was wrong to be gay, against the Bible, gross to watch, yada yada. Granted, I always hoped he would grow out of that especially when he went off to college, but I’ll admit that it did scare me away from telling him for a number of years. It wasn’t until my parents were ok with it that I found the confidence to approach the topic with him.

Christmas Eve might not have been the best time to have this conversation but several glasses of wine later I was revved up and ready to go. We were downstairs in my basement sitting at the bar when I decided to just go for it. I said I needed to talk to him about something and he immediately without hesitation, knew what I was going to say. I told him that I was 100%, without a doubt super gay, and that more importantly, I was happy. His reaction shocked me. He didn’t even bat an eye. My brother who has always been so openly unsupportive of the LGBT community looked me dead in the eye and told me he was ok with it. He also revealed how he wasn’t surprised at all and always had a feeling that I liked women which I found to be somewhat of a relief. When I asked him why he didn’t have a problem with it like I thought he would, he said “Because it’s you Kate, I’ll always love you no matter what and I’ll always support you.” Again I couldn’t believe his response.

I think my biggest take away here is that people will surprise you. My brother who I always believed would hate my lifestyle was totally ok with it all because he loved me. So if you’re scared about how someone close to you will react, don’t count them out because they could very well shock you with their response. It wasn’t until my brother had someone close to him come out that his thoughts and beliefs began to change.

It’s important to note here too that we need to take it upon ourselves to educate people about our community and break those preconceived stereotypes. It’s critical to show the people in our lives that just because we might not be in love with someone that society tells us to love that we’re all of a sudden a different person then who they know. Just like I told my brother, I’m still the same tennis playing, movie loving goof he grew up with, I just happen to really love women. 

Coming out on a college team

Kate Clare | Blogger | Full-Time Lesbian 

Coming out on a college team especially if you’re not 100% out of the closet can be one of the most intimidating experiences of your life. Not knowing exactly how your teammates are going to react is both scary and nerve-wracking.  However, with plenty of confidence you’ll be able to attack any situation with ease and style.

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Let me start off by telling you about my coming out experience on my team. Now I’ll be completely honest-I probably had a very different experience with this then most of you. To start, I’m openly gay. However, I’ve really only had conversations about my sexuality to my close friends and a small portion of my family. I’ve always kind of just let other people find out either through word of mouth or through seeing me live openly. I just never deemed it necessary to discuss my sexuality with every single person or group of people in my life-which included my college team.

When it came to my team, I definitely wouldn’t say I was close with them. Now don’t get me wrong-I had a few teammates who were my absolute best friends and they obviously knew I was gay, but as far as I know, the rest of them who I wasn’t as close with were totally clueless. It was a very unique experience because I had my few tennis friends on my team (I’m talking 2 or 3 here) who knew and were cool with it and then I had my friends outside of my team who knew. So then of course I had this other group of my teammates who I never discussed it with so to this day I still have no idea what they knew or didn’t know when it came to my sexuality.

I’ll give you a few examples. My best friend on the team and my roommate-I ended up having a sit down conversation with her about it our freshman year because I felt that she should know. And she was super supportive. I had two more teammates who just flat out asked me because they were curious-so I told them. Again, super supportive. Now on the other hand, I had a teammate who asked me about boys on a regular basis. Clearly having no idea. So as you can see, it was all across the board.

Now the point I'm trying to make by telling you my story is that the best way to come out on your team is to do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If you're not super outspoken about your sexuality (like myself) then don’t say anything at all and just let people figure it out on their own. Or just tell a few who you're close with. I mean-it's your life and in most cases, you get to decide how open you want to be. Now if you’re super close with your whole team then maybe you’ll want them all to know and you’ll want to have a special conversation with each of them about it. Or maybe you’re the type of person that wants your teammates to find out by making out with your girlfriend after the big game while they all watch. All of those are great no matter how different they are! Whatever makes you feel comfortable is always the best method. Just remember that you have control over who you have conversations with about your sexuality and who just finds out through other means. Always tell the people you're ready to tell first who you know would be hurt if they found out through someone else. Trust me-you won’t want that to happen.

Now you’ve come out to your team. Great! Unfortunately, a few of your teammates are completely appalled by your choice in sexual partners. So what do you do? To start, learn to be civil. I have news for you-not everyone is going to be ok with the fact that you like to kiss girls and that’s ok. People are entitled to their own opinions and they don’t have to agree with you or the way you live your life. And you shouldn’t force them to. Whether it’s religious beliefs, or their upbringing or whatever, there are always going to be people that don’t agree with your lifestyle. All that means is you don’t have be close with them. But if you’re on a team or in a work situation where you’re going to see this person all the time who isn’t accepting of you, then you’re going to have to learn to be civil. You don’t have to be friends but you will need to be able to at least speak to them in regards to your sport/work situation/whatever. Keep it professional. The more mature you act about it the better off you’ll be. Hopefully your good attitude about the situation will rub off on them too.

Of course though, this person or group of people who isn’t ok with your sexuality could easily turn into a wild maniac and not be able to keep it professional themselves. Then what do you do? If this person begins to negatively affect your life on your team then you need to take it up with higher authority and make it known what is happening. Tell your coach or athletic director and let them handle it. Discrimination based on sexuality is completely unacceptable and should not be taken lightly so if it becomes a situation of you not being able to do the job you're supposed to be doing then it needs to be dealt with by someone who has authority over the whole team.

Overall, coming out on your college team no matter how you choose to do it will be a beneficial experience. Whether or not it turns out how you envision it, it still means you're growing as a person and becoming more and more comfortable with your sexuality day by day. And that’s always most important J